Thursday, September 20, 2012

A post that has been sitting in my draft folder

The summer is over.  It was busy, busy, busy - with lots of weekends out of town, lack of consistency and a ton of adoption prep.  Josh went on a camping trip/river float with friends and another long weekend went house boating.  I was able to get away on my first ever sister's weekend (there will be more!!).  My sis and I headed to SF, stayed in a hoity-toity hotel, didn't keep track of time and got to talk a LOT!  It was A.M.A.Z.I.N.G!  

A lot has been changing.  
*Natalie is now enjoying preschool a few mornings a week!  
*The reality of adoption is starting to sink in.  How hard it is for a woman to choose to give her child to another family.  The loss and brokenness of it all.  Yet the joy of welcoming a new one into our lives.  I find myself thinking of the birthmother quite often (whoever she may be).  As hard as this process is for me - I cannot fathom how difficult it is for her.    
*Just when I thought that it was 'smooth sailing' with all my meds and no changes would have to be made....I find out that my dr has been overmedicating, not warning me of possible serious side effects, and giving me false information for the last year+.  I felt so defeated.  Medication is such a process - finding what works, what doesn't work.  It takes months and months and months to get it 'right'.  I was also angry.  How could this person - who I trusted to take care of me - fail me so miserably?  Good news is that my old dr (from when I was a teen) agreed to see me again and is doing a fantastic job getting me where I need to be.  
*Wow.  This is turning into quite a downer of a post....

Anyway, life is good.  In the midst of my stress I have to remind myself that I have an amazing life - amazingly supportive husband, loving & energetic daughter, and a beautiful town to live in.  

Here are a few recent pics:
First Carousel Ride

Jennie and me in SF
(this is the standard photo pose with the tourists) 

Josh and Natalie played hard while I was in SF
Hiking, paddle boating, playing with friends :-)

When Josh's dad was in town we went to the nearby beach that you can drive on.  (Pretty sure I haven't been on that beach since Josh and I were dating. Crazy!)  

Parental ramblings

So many thoughts rushing through my brain right now.  Not even sure it will make sense...

Miss N started preschool a few days a week.  I thought everything would be fine - no respect or obedience issues.  Sure - she has respect and disobedience issues at home, but at school she would listen to her teacher.  Not so.  

You see, all of the things I complained about as a Preschool Teacher I am now facing as a parent.  As a teacher I would hear parents say "But Bobby doesn't do that at home.", "My child is really rough with other kids.  Can you work on that?", "I've tried this and this and this at home with Bobby and nothing is working.  Please help!" -And I would think (to myself) "Seriously people!??  These are YOUR children.  I am here to provide a loving, caring environment where your child can grow socially and mentally.  I am not here to be the substitute parent.  Why can't you take care of your child's issues yourself?"

Sounds harsh, I know.

But now...A lightbulb is starting to flicker in my brain.  Oh.My.Word.  I am "That Parent".  And I think I'm realizing (yet again) that I have no idea what I'm doing as a parent.  No one does.  (Hope that doesn't offend anyone...)  And I think that's a good thing to keep in mind - at least for me.  I get so caught up in 'Why are Betty's kids so well behaved?' 'How can they have three kids and handle everything with ease, while I have one and struggle to keep things balanced!?' 'I shouldn't be so frustrated with N right now, but I'm going batty with all the pretending!' name a few.

Bottom line: I need to get over it.  Asking for help is ok.  Admitting you don't always know what you're doing is ok.  Talking to other moms about how tough motherhood can be is good.  I think it helps us realize that we are not alone.  I LOVE my daughter and I look forward to another baby someday.  I think I just need to take a deep breath, pray for patience and guidance and give myself some grace when I feel completely out of my element.  Cause parenting is new for any parent - whether they have 1 or 5.  Dynamics change, personalities are different.

So, in summary: I don't have all the answers.  I need help and encouragement. And ultimately, little Miss N will turn out exactly how God wanted her to be.  And...what you said years ago can come back to bite you in the butt.

All of our paperwork, fingerprinting, self-studies, references, training hours, etc. are FINISHED!! Looks like we will start our Home Study in early October!!!