About a years worth of thoughts....in one blog post. Here it goes:About a year ago I was hit hard with anxiety & panic attacks. I had dealt with anxiety & depression when I was a teen and again after N was born, but I thought everything was under control. When I'm depressed & anxious - I eat. And eat. And eat. What can I say? I'm an emotional eater. 2011 was a rough year. I had been gaining weight for a while, but 2011 pushed me over the edge. I was angry for letting myself get to this point. I kept thinking that once I lost a certain number of lbs then I would be happy with myself again. I thought all of this discontent with my body was a fairly new thing - until Josh asked me one day 'Do you really think you'll be happier if you lose weight? You weren't happy with yourself when we were dating or before Natalie was born... I don't care if you lose weight or gain weight. I just want you to be happy with YOU.' Wow. I hadn't realized just how long I had been critical of myself. I look back at wedding pictures and think 'Oh, if only I looked like that again!' And to know that, when I looked like I did 6 years ago, I wasn't happy with my image - I cringe
I keep going back to Josh's question. Will I really be happier when I weigh less? No. I don't think I will. At least not for that reason. Will I be healthier? Absolutely.
I need to stop believing the lies that I tell myself. Josh DOES love me no matter what I weigh. And I need to trust him when he says that. When I doubt him - I hurt both of us. (And I guess the same goes for God. If He loves me and MADE ME - then why should I be critical of his work?) I CAN accomplish the goals I have for myself. But most of all, I need to be content with myself. Right now. Not later.
I'm going to have to 'reprogram' my thinking - how I see food, what I see when I look in the mirror, how I think others view me.
So, my goals this year are contentment and health. Not exactly easy.
3 comments:
It's not easy, and you're not alone. I can completely relate and I am right there with you. You CAN change the way you think...you already have! It's remembering that you are FREE from that way of thinking and rather than continuing to beat yourself up and ask God to forgive you, over and over and over and over again, for not trusting Him enough or not being content with how He made you, you can THANK HIM that you are FREE from that way of thinking and embrace it.
It is much easier said than done, but you can turn those negative thoughts, those, "God forgive me for not liking myself, etc..." prayers into "God thank you that you've given me freedom from this way of thinking and help me believe it" prayers...
Love you much! You are fantastic. You are wonderful...whatever way you are...and gosh darn it, people like you (especially me)!
Good for you {and Josh} for putting it so plainly. It is SO easy to be critical of ourselves and what we see as our imperfections, when they are all part of what HE put together to make us!
It seems like we have been on a similar path and I'm glad to know I'm not alone {and neither are you!}!
I'm right there with you. It's such a struggle, but one I'm really working on. I eat when I'm bored and emotional so I understand how you feel. Great of Josh to put things into perspective. You are beautiful and loving and a great mother and wife!!! :).
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