Contentment & Health - A bit of reality

About a years worth of thoughts....in one blog post. Here it goes:

About a year ago I was hit hard with anxiety & panic attacks. I had dealt with anxiety & depression when I was a teen and again after N was born, but I thought everything was under control. When I'm depressed & anxious - I eat. And eat. And eat. What can I say? I'm an emotional eater. 2011 was a rough year. I had been gaining weight for a while, but 2011 pushed me over the edge. I was angry for letting myself get to this point. I kept thinking that once I lost a certain number of lbs then I would be happy with myself again. I thought all of this discontent with my body was a fairly new thing - until Josh asked me one day 'Do you really think you'll be happier if you lose weight? You weren't happy with yourself when we were dating or before Natalie was born... I don't care if you lose weight or gain weight. I just want you to be happy with YOU.' Wow. I hadn't realized just how long I had been critical of myself. I look back at wedding pictures and think 'Oh, if only I looked like that again!' And to know that, when I looked like I did 6 years ago, I wasn't happy with my image - I cringe

I keep going back to Josh's question. Will I really be happier when I weigh less? No. I don't think I will. At least not for that reason. Will I be healthier? Absolutely.

I need to stop believing the lies that I tell myself. Josh DOES love me no matter what I weigh. And I need to trust him when he says that. When I doubt him - I hurt both of us. (And I guess the same goes for God. If He loves me and MADE ME - then why should I be critical of his work?) I CAN accomplish the goals I have for myself. But most of all, I need to be content with myself. Right now. Not later.

I'm going to have to 'reprogram' my thinking - how I see food, what I see when I look in the mirror, how I think others view me.

So, my goals this year are contentment and health. Not exactly easy.

My white blood cells are on vacation - so I'm on the couch.

I'm beginning to feel like a bit of a leaper. November brought bronchitis and a sinus infection. December brought the same. January decided to mix it up a bit with Shingles. I'm starting to think I should take bets for February's illness.

I'm having a hard time. I know that sounds silly because people are going through much worse, but it is so frustrating. I want so badly to be able to take care of my family. That's my job - and I can't do it properly right now. Poor hubby has to work all day, then take care of everything when he gets home. I know it's hard on Natalie too. I desperately want to get back to our routine. I guess I'm just learning that I don't have control (although I'm ready to say 'Ok Lord. I get it. I'm not in control. Now can I get better?' ...is that horrible?) So, if you're the praying type, I'd love some prayer for a quick recovery. :-)

On a more positive note - here are some random things I've learned over the past few months while being sick:
*I am incredibly grateful for family that is nearby and ready to help out...a lot!
*Stoned Wheat Thins are quite delicious.
*I would much rather have bronchitis than shingles.
*My kiddo loves me! I guess I don't really see it that much when I'm healthy 'cause I'm always around her, but when I'm sick she runs to see me after being away all day and cuddles with me on the couch. Apparently absence makes her heart grow fonder. :-)
*My husband is amazing - works all day, comes home to a disheveled house & no dinner, plays with the kiddo, puts her to bed, cleans up and finally collapses on the couch. The man definitely deserves some time off when I am 100% again!
*Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution is awesome! If you haven't seen it, you need to. It's on Hulu.
*You can go through Gone with the Wind pretty quick when you're sick.
*I enjoy the British mini-series. Who knew? Daniel Deronda & North & South. Loved them both.

Facebook & Santa Cruz

It's been awhile since my last post, but since I'm just sitting here on the couch attempting to be a good patient while I recover from bronchitis AGAIN, I figured I had the time.

Are you ready for lots of rambling? If not, then just skip to the pictures. ;-) Here is goes: Facebook. It's crazy how addicted I am to it. I get on the computer to look up a recipe or check email and I automatically go straight to FB. I've never had (done?) crack, but I assume that FB is like crack for non drug users...but I digress. I waste so much of my time with it. I actually find (and my husband has pointed out) that I am much happier when I haven't been on FB in a while. I get so caught up in the drama & details of everyone else and I even let it affect my mood. 'Why in the world are they saying that!? It's not even true!' or 'Look what they get to do. Wish I could do that.' It's sad, really. I could be spending time playing with my daughter (the cutie on the trampoline!) or having a conversation with my hubby that DOESN'T revolve around someone else's status update. I'm not saying FB is a bad thing, it's just not a healthy thing for me at the moment. I hesitate to say that I'm calling it quits with FB because I don't know if I have the willpower to stay away...but I know that if it has that strong of a hold on me it probably (definitely) isn't good for me. I think my daughter, my husband, the house and my mood would greatly benefit from me saying Good-bye to FB.
Are there things I'll miss? I'm not sure. The people I have real, honest relationships with will continue to stay in touch - and there's always e-mail or phone (eeek, that means I'm going to have to start being a phone person. i hate the phone.) And all the others?? Let's be honest. If you were to run into every 'friend' you have on FB - you would probably only talk to 15%. Or maybe that's just me. All that to say - I think I'll be happier and more content without FB. I'm tired of comparing myself to others.

On a lighter note: We went up to Santa Cruz for a few days before Christmas. It.was.glorious! Lots of time with the neighbors (and yet, still not enough time) and I had a very relaxing walk by the harbor & lighthouse. The camera is still pretty new to me, so it was fun to play with the different settings. I got to people watch, watch the sunset & spend time alone. It was glorious! Thanks Josh for urging me to get out of the house. :-) Here are a few pics.

The Awesomeness that is goop

Before we had Natalie - I was a preschool teacher. Math and science were (ARE) like foreign languages to me, but preschool I can understand! Glue, paper, stringing noodles together, playing with playdough, only having to count to 10 - 20 tops! Now that Natalie is preschool aged I started to pull out all the craft supplies and idea notecards and it has been SO fun! The other day we made 'goop' with cornstarch, water & a bit of food coloring. I love goop because it's a sensory activity, you can get messy, and it's easy to clean up. This is one of our outside activities - all you have to do to clean up is spray everything down with water. :-)

I made a list of activities at home & activities in our community and it has saved me many, many times! If I don't have something down on paper I will NOT remember! So, whenever we're looking for something to do I just pull out the list. :-) I can get a little particular when doing projects...and then I have to remember that Natalie is 2. (But seriously, why do you need to color on MY awesome stick figure/tree/flower picture when you have one of your own?? I'm making a masterpiece!) Natalie and I went to the Dollar Store and picked up a few things to keep in our craft drawer: more stickers (they go fast!!), cotton balls, coffee scoops for the sensory table and shaving cream (for when I'm REALLY brave)! Today is a crayon & sticker day...I'm not feeling particularly adventurous.

...and I'm back.

After almost 2 years - I'm back. We'll see how long it lasts. ;-) This blog won't always be sunshine and roses, but I am going to do my best to be honest and real.

Moving on...Miss N is almost 2 1/2 now and we're back living in the town where we got married. We greatly miss our amazing neighbors!! It was awesome having people around us that could make me laugh, be there when I needed to cry, and be brutally honest with me - not to mention all of the playmates Natalie had. However it's great to be 'home'. I didn't realize how much I missed this place until we moved back. Slower pace, no traffic, so many familiar faces. :-)

Things that make me happy right now...

*Whenever I see Josh with the Snuggie on.....CRACKS.ME.UP!!

I love this guy!!

(I got it to wear as my Halloween costume, but chickened out...)

Here he is demonstrating how easy it is to talk on the

phone and stay warm and cozy at the same time!

*Natalie's smiles!!! She smiles A LOT. Especially at

daddy when he comes home, whoever gets her out of her crib,

Grandma and Papa when she sees them on skype, and

anyone who will look at her when we're out and about...

*And seeing these two together!! I love it! =-)

Also on the list:

*my slippers (even though Josh says they look like grandma slippers)

*Trader Joe's chocolate (always on the list)

*watching Natalie copy something we do (so cute!)

*looking forward to seeing everyone at Thanksgiving =-)

Thursday's Recipe Rodeo

I found this recipe through Yahoo recipes and it is a favorite in our house!! For more wonderful recipes visit my friend Nini's blog every Thursday. This week's Tortilla Soup is particularly delicious!!

Marinated Tomatoes with Linguine

1 lb linguine (or other long pasta)

6-8 small tomatoes

1 clove garlic (chopped or crushed)

1 T chopped basil

6 oz grated fresh mozzarella

olive oil to cover

salt and pepper

Bring a small pot of water to boil and submerge tomatoes for 30 seconds, then remove. Slit the skins with a knife; they should slip off easily. Halve the tomatoes and remove the pulp and the seeds. Chop the tomato flesh.

In a large serving bowl add the tomatoes, basil, garlic, and olive oil, salt, pepper to taste. Allow to marinate for at least 30 min, longer if possible.

Cook the pasta until al dente in salty water. Drain and add to the tomato mixture along with the grated mozzarella. Toss well and serve immediately. Serves 4.